Discipline Feels Like Success
But I am le tired.
Everything Belongs is a community for those who want to explore and embrace their neurodivergence with radical self-compassion. True to the name, notes reflect whatever it is that I’m currently exploring in my life and research rather than a prescribed set of subjects on neurodivergence. My work as a neurodivergent life coach centers around self-discovery, self-compassion, and self-advocacy—so you will see these as underlying themes of this space.
September is typically my favourite month of the year, but this month has really kicked my ass. Restarting all our usual homeschooling and other activities in addition to going back to school part time myself has been more exhausting than I imagined. Like, I don’t remember my adult brain ever being this tired every. single. night.
I’m coping extraordinarily well, considering. I don’t think I could’ve functioned at this level and still maintained my mental health even last year. That being said, I was very close to a menty b1 this week when 40 presentation slides I created on Wednesday afternoon didn’t save and I had to redo them that night in order to record a 47 minute training the next day. I’ll take it as a win despite the loss.
These are the times I’m often less likely to share what’s going on in my life. If I’m clearly struggling, I’m open about that with specific people in my life. If things are going well, I’m also pretty open. But it’s when things are hard yet good that I tend not to know what to do with myself or share with others.
I find the mix of the two rather confusing, even though life is generally this strange mixture more often than not. In any case, all these good and hard things are utilizing most of my mental capacity right now, and it’s causing me to take stock of what I consider my current priorities.
As I’ve been reflecting on what changes I need to make to my roles and responsibilities to keep life good and healthy, I’ve felt myself pushing back against letting go of certain things. Even now, I had to pause while writing because I felt sensations rise up in my body that signal intense discomfort.
I’m good at letting go in a lot of ways, but this week I realized that I’ve been equating discipline—consistent action—with success; and on the flip side, lack of discipline with failure (often, moral failure.)
My thinking goes like this: If I can be consistent with something, regardless of the outcome or result, then I’ve succeeded. If I fail to be consistent, regardless of the outcome or result, then I’ve failed. Specifically, I’ve failed to be a disciplined, reliable person.
The beliefs that lead me here are not for today’s note, but I do want to share with you that one area that I’m deciding to be less disciplined about is this weekly note.
Everything Belongs is newish, but I’ve written a weekly newsletter every Friday for several years. When everything else in my writing life felt like rejection or failure, my discipline towards this weekly note felt like success.
While it’s been an absolute joy and life-giving experience to write to my community consistently, my commitment to it now is less joyful and more obligation. Not to you, dear reader, but to some standard I’ve set for myself.
So, moving forward, Everything Belongs will be a biweekly-ish note from me as long as that feels sustainable. If I need to press pause on my writing and public presence, I will update you here.
Learning to let go of the pressure to produce, and the standards of discipline I’ve arbitrarily created for myself, is a process that I anticipate will take time. I appreciate your presence and your patience here as we learn to be compassionate towards ourselves and each other.
I’m with you,
T
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This is what the kids are calling mental breakdowns now.